Booooo

roll out

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 10:03:01 GMT

besides all that, i'm tired of trying to find chick friends. It's like, I want dudes with vaginas. Not dykes, mind you, but i think i mean chicks with dudes humor. Most chicks cant handle a guys sense of humor and i'm tired of this light, airy, "be like one of the guys" humor..

for instance, if you are a chick you cant make fun of obama. OF COURSE YOU CAN. he's the whitest nigger i've ever seen. And never you mind that none of those bitches ever voted for him because of his platforms. No. it's cos he's "black".. and this is why i cant have girlfriends. They care too fucking much. I dont give a shit that he's black. I'm not going to cheer with tyra or oprah cos we now have a black president. That's fucking dumb. That is ignorant.

YOU ALL ARE PC PAWNS.

AAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAH

dumbasses.
.

/

I cofness...

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 07:33:14 GMT

I'm tired of writing in all my other blogs. So here I am. Twice.   I can smell my pre-ex-boyfriends cum all over this chair and I hate it.   It means he's been jerking it when we haven't had sex in a month.   I fucking hate him.

So I figgered Ide write out my stupid story now cos I can and I'm not drunk quite yet.     And also, my pre-ex-bf is listening to blue october in the living room which means he's drunk and it's "our" band and yes, i know you think that's lame, but i dotn care. I've loved that band since I was the only chick swaying back and forth in their garage.

btw, sandcastle burgers are way awesome. they are tiny and cute and crunchy when you microwave them.

anyhoow.   the first boy I ever kissed was my first year of college with a boy who waved at me when I stood in the doorway of a classroom. There was no computer open on the whole floor so I sat by him. We ended up making awkward conversation and I ended up with him at barnes an nobles thinking how thin his lips were and how i could not imagine making out with him.    He was my first kiss. He was the first guy who went down on me, and coincidentally, was the first guy who introduced me to alcohol..   but we never had sex. I just had this weird, creepy feeling..

I dated many a dude after that, but never had sex with any of them. I never knew why I wouldn't. . . It never made sense to me. I wanted to, but i would just run away as soon as things got to far.

then I saw John.   And i know so many people say this, but yeah.. the first second i saw him I sat there in shock.   As you might know by now, I have horridly low self esteem, and yet I just walked up to him and joked about his artwork. I did this because I was driven to. I did this every day till he brought me aside and told me his fiance had cheated on him..
.
We became inseperable after that. He said that he partly fell in love with her cos they were both 34, but both looked like they were 20. I was 23 at the time. The first time he called me I freaked out and ran around the house like a maniac.   He called me more than 3 times a day after that.   He would call me just to tell me about what he missed to tell me the first time he called. I constantly urged him to be my "first" but he didn't want to be. One night, we were both sober and all the passion led to me losing my vcard. I still dont regret it.

I knew he was using me and he made very clear that he that I shouldn't fall for him.... and I told him the same. He told me to "shooosh" but he did. He really did fall for me but he never admitted it until 2 years later when his best friend and i ended up making out.   I felt that I had completely understood John's intentions so I honestly wanted him to see that I had moved on. i had no idea that it would hurt him; he told me i could date whoever i wanted.. afterall, he was 35 with a broken heart and had teenage daughter.. he said he wanted me to move on.. i had no idea that he would care so much that i ended up with his best friend.

oh.. well, long story short, i moved away, we spoke quite a bit, then he just quit. Sometimes I drunken text him but he wont reply.   It's hard to know that the love of my life wont even say one word to me.

it's hard to know that he said he didn't want me to move away.    It's really hard to know that I've been with this one guy for 3 years and I' coulda been happy with john this whole time.

if only things had worked out my life might not have sucked this much..

.

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Oh my whiney ass...

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 06:24:46 GMT

.

I haven't posted here in a while and i just read my last entry . what the fuck?   that was an odd one.

anyhoo. my pre-post-ex boyfriend is outside the door of this computer room yelling stupid things at me; he's trying to annoy me.    I am smart/stupid enough to know that if i open the door and yell at him to shut the fuck up he'll say "jeesus! you are so annoyed easily!"...     I hate him so much and i dont know how it got this way. . I am a smart girl. How did I end up with a fucking retard for this long?

I'm moving out this much and it's crazy to know i've spent this much time with a person.... Almost 3 years...   what do i do now?    Dating is such an oddity to me now.   Initiating a kiss seems like such an awkward approach now.    i dont think i want a relationship for a while but I desperately want a distraction. We've been in our routine for so long it feels as though I'm about to lose my right arm... My right arm that is gangrenous and which i hate.. WHAT TO DO?

listen to me blubbering... lame.

So i joined a gym. Why? cos it was $10 a month. It is my savior. i work out 1.5 hrs a day (save weekends), I eat a shitload more, and i've lost about 6 lbs in the past month. I friggen love working out, but only if i have my Irock with me. Yessir. Not an IPOD, but an IROCK.    it's a beautiful, cheap little toy and i work out to the same songs every day. I have the best playlist ever, which has been the same for the past 4 years and i'm not tired of it now.. mmmmmm...   i wouldu totally work out again right now if i didn't have 2 margaritas and 5 shots of rum in me.

mmm.. nummy.

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I can almost put it back together again

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 19:01:23 GMT

i think one of the funniest things i've heard is my bf's brother telling us a story about new years eve and how he and his friends had ONE bottle of champagne each.     I just sighed all my breath out and sank into my chair while silently watching him gesture how drunk he was. .   I dont know what I felt about that, but i knew i could down 3 bottles and walk a straight line. It's not a proud or guilty feeling. It's just what it was. Or maybe it was taking a step back.

I donno, maybe it was feeling like i'm in costume and no one has no idea who i am. Besides the bf, only one person knows exactly how i am, and i just confronted him for doing coke too much. He is my best friend ever, and i'm pretty sure our relationship is fucked.

well anywhoo.. I will tell anyone all my problems if i'm comfortable. But when it comes to people i'm unfamiliar with or dont sense a familiarty whit.. ie. His parents and friends and brother and his brother's friends, I keep a wary distance.   You dont exactly want to make a bad impression on your bf's parents and friends.. too bad. too late for me..    they know i'm an alcoholic but it's something we dont talk about, much unlike my parents who talk about it freely.

the oddest compliment i received came from his brother's girlfriend when she was completely smashed. She told me "hey.. HEY. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are the coolest chick when you are drunk. I wish you would get drunk all the time"     coming from a 7th grade teacher. She's a year older than me.
Ohhh if only she knew we could be bff forever. I could be bff with anyone else when i drink.    Men are from mars says that boys play video games to feel like they have control over what they dont have control over in the real world. I assimilate this to my drinking.   If I could make over $15,000 a year i would be okay. i would feel rich. If i could lose 30 lbs i would be okay and be happy. If I had a kitten i would be happy. I cannot afford a kitten so these are all things i cannot control. I've tried to change them but it never works.

i've been eating the insides of egg rolls. shrimp and pork. mmmm.. Fuck all the fried shit. I'm drinking 40's and who needs the extra calories?

we are supposed to see a movie tonight. I freaked the fuck out last night because I got an interview in dallas and he said i should see what happens if i get the job.   I treated him like shit cos i wanted him to say that i shouldn't go to this interview.   I woke up in the morning to a movie poster on the bathroom mirror with tickets posted to it.

and i am currently getting drunk. It's a sweet gesture, but what are the chances i will pass out before 6? great, my friend. I find his mannerisms confusing.   He treats me me so well - he kisses my face at 3 am, but he does so many things on purpose to annoy me... . I love him to death when we spoon but i treat him like shit when he consciously annoys me and i get so mad i ignore him.. only then will he do something over the top to satiate me.

i hate reading other's blogs. . they are so fucking cheesy. It's like listening to myself on my voice mail. It makes me cringe.

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i have a knife shaped like an eagle

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 16:32:41 GMT

i wish the knife were sharper so i could cut myself.   I'm not a cutting type gal but i want to try. i guess you could say i love it when i fail.

i read this chick's blog and you can read her easily... like me . she's just like me but younger. I dont read many blogs, but i read all of hers. i cant decide if i should befriend her or not. I dont like people like me. it's creepy how similar we are.

i delete a whole lot in these blogs and i wish i wouldn't. It just feels right when i type.   when i type something (more) stupid it gives me a queasy feeling. this is all intentional.

FUCK. there's an ad from netflix next to this page with muppets on it!!! i just had a "space out" moment while listening to NIN's Capital G and i had a very distinct video played out for this song with muppets.   Trying to make kermit a badass is hard enough to imagine, but i've figured it out.   It's like Handlebars.. i've got the most perfect video in my head of what it's supposed to be.   The anime version is good, but the 3D fucking sucks. I like their idea. i like my idea better.

oh, that chick keeps e'mailing me about jobs and i'm too drunk to respond. She likes me and i dont want her to know i'm a fucking alcoholic.

fuck fuck.

i should delete all of this.

someone could come up behind me and shoot me in the head. i would never know; my music is so loud.   My playlist is too good to walk away.

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Your grand total is $5.76

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:22:40 GMT

THAT'S HOW MUCH I PAID FOR YOU KILL ME. fuck yeah! it cost $2 for the movie. Is this sad that it took me 4 tries to find the $ button? yes. Also, $2 seems pretty low for a fucking awesome movie.

i drank to make the hangover go away and it's working. but i have this weird tension in me. i feel like i'm going to fuck someone over. time to make some phone calls!!

I was sitting there a second ago.. trying to pinpoint the hottest moment in my life. Then i started to think about sexual connections. You can see someone, look them in the eyes, and never see them again for all you care. But then you can look at a different person and you know at that second that you're going to fuck them.

i dont get it. it's just in the eyes. How is it different than the former dude? this is why i believe in pheromones.

The hottest moment in my life, i have to say, was at a screening of a movie. While waiting outside with my buddies my eye was caught by with this one motherfucker in one brief moment. He sat in the seat next to me (didn't put the arm down... hott.   ahha. ) and we started making jokes. We went outside and made out like a bitch. he was hott and it was ridiculously intense. It was the only time i lost my breath. i would have done anything with him so i had to stop.

Aint saying what happened, but we didn't fuck and he turned out to be one of those 'puff up your feathers when other cocks are in the room' type guys.
i love it.
i love that i learned that lesson quick. I learned then that you fuck em and leave em.. unless they make you laugh and they introduce you to their mother on the second date.

manslave did that. Or, he tried. I find it ultimately hilarious that he said we were dating after we fucked the first time. This says alot about our relationship. He read too much into it and i was just an innocent bystander.   You could say i got duped into this relationship.

and for some reason i cant leave.
blah I hate that they are gone... i keep dropping shit and i expect for our dog to come try to eat it. i walk out of the room and almost call his name so he can entertain me. He sticks his tongue out and when you are particularly upset he sticks it out more to make you laugh.

hokay. my refried beans and cheese and steak are cold so i must reheat them. mmmm sticky cheese.

also i need to start on my book.

yeah fuck.

waiting. watching the clock.

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 13:34:34 GMT

.

shit shit.. I just read that last blog i dont remember posting. I'm about to not remember this one either.   So... apparently all i want to do is be with that dude who's in dallas. But i also want to stay here. manslave is gone for the weekend and i miss him to pieces. I came home from a homo orgy and knew no one would be home, but i still expected our dog to greet me as i opened the door.

i miss laying out on the hammocks with him.

speaking of the drunken orgy, i definitely should not have drove there... i was prolly driving 40 on the highway the whole time. What a moron. But i got there and it was 4 homos and me. i had a great time, despite the fact i had to fight for attention. the bry and me went to the store cos i wanted some crab rangoons.. but he ended up buying shrimp and noodles and eggrolls... I wanted chinese food and people always go outta their way to get me what i want when we're drunk.   or sober. I donno why, but hell i'll use it.

we made a good stirfry but i dont remember eating it. I'll just assume it was good. i woke up with chicken stuck in my teeth.

Oh, and i woke up thinking I was at my house, and then someone knocked on the door. I woke up saying FuckOff.. cos hell no i'm not opening the door in the neighborhood my house is in... THEN THE GUY OPENED THE DOOR. i freaked the fuck out and tried to 007 it down to the floor and under the table... which was a glass table so i'm not the fucking 007 i want to be.. i tried to find a knife or something sharp, but all's i cound find was a piece of chicken and People magazine.
the guy went upstairs and took a shower, which was when i realized i wasn't in my house. I dont have an upstairs.

so..

delete

delete.

delteeet.

.

You Kill Me

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 23:10:44 GMT

it's a fucking great movie.

He went to the beach and i'm alone for the next 3 days. Crap.

There are some people at the place that i work who think i deserve better. I find this odd. There's this one harsh chick who is going out of her way to find me a job so i can stay here. I have all these new job offers. I dont want them; i dont think i deserve them. I want to move to dallas cos i know i deserve Him. He is much more perfect than the job of my dreams. I am at a loss for words.

I dont give a shit about my talents. I know i am the best, but i dont care. . all i want is Him.
this is me being drunk and telling the truth. This is me drinking more rum and coke ( my maw told me i should lay off the shit... fuck).   This shit is like truth serum.

all i want is to be his housewife. I want for him to come home every day and find a fucking awesome meal prepared just for him.
i want to spend my life laughing my ass off with him.

i cant read w/o closing my right eye.     this makes it hard to edit my blog.

goddamn electric bill is what i will use for my movies. Oh, and MSI.

You Kill Me is ridiculously good. i will buy this.

/

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Woah snap, nelly

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 17:04:40 GMT

.

So.. The boy spent the night in jail. Once he got stupid drunk, like he sometimes does, he decided to go to a bar with our DOG. he gets picked up for a PI (lucky mother fucker, i'd give anything for it to have been a DWI so's he'd learn his lesson) and then gets handcuffed to a chair cos he tried to climb out a vent in the ceiling. Then they had to tie him down.. Huh. this kinda turns me on

MEANWHILE, i hadn't slept for 2 days and couldn't eat cos i'd vomit from all the adrenaline. He never came home and I was so scared he had killed someone or was laying dead in a ditch with our dog.... until a co-worker called and found out what jail he was in. then i got pissed that he was still alive.

then i tried to find our dog at every animal shelter. the dog was later found in His car outside the bar he was picked up at. well, hey. that's cool.

I'm tired of thinking about moving.
I need to buy more wine but he and his dad are coming over to work on the house. His dad talks too much and when i'm tipsy and talk back i say too much as well.

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muse sounds like kill bill

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 01:29:28 GMT

i have this bruise on my arm that looks like a K. They warned me about this. whatever.

i'm fucking drunk and this makes me paranoid. I'm getting a credit report tomorrow cos of recent events. I hate being fucked over by people i think are nice. it's not koshert.

um

my cell phone has a glare on it and i can see all the oil from my left cheek on it. .

i am so pissed right now.
but i'm listening to the sounds and i love it.

i'm glad He and i are finally breaking it off.

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the taste of her cherry chapstck

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 23:04:53 GMT

.

fuck blogs. fuck 'em all. see? this is why i dont post. or this is why i do. I need my following. There's a smudge on the computer that makes that first "I" l ook like a J.   It freaks me out.

i am outta booze. i thought i had one shiner left in the fridge, but apparently i drank that. I'm pissed.

He's supposed to take me out to dinner, and i'm getting pissy.   I just want booze - nevermind that he's taking me to a place i've ALWAYS wanted to go to. I want a martini, and i'm not a martini type girl. Can i ask for a martini to be a double?   He said he'd take me out cos i'm sober enough. He hates taking me out when i'm drunk

i'LL SHOW YOU!

fuck.

I'm moving in with a chick and i dont want this. We are bff forever - atleast she makes it this way. I like her all the same but she is the one who always contacts me. she drives 275 miles to see me once a month, or so.. we have great times.   I just dont want her to fuck me up when we live together. She got me to try shrooms and i loved it.   i dont want to do this. I need to find a fucking job. I neeeeeeed to be successful.   wow. i just spelled that right!

so my mom is paying for my first month's rent just to move. that's how bad she wants me to get away from Him. She wants me to be with the guy i was referring to in the past blog...

my family is not racist, but we joke. alot.. and it's a hardcore joke that us girls in the family like mexicans.   and he's mexican... he's 14 years older than me. he has a 14 yr old daughter.   but this doesn't matter..

if I think about it, this is what i want. I want a mature dude who makes me laugh my ass off. Also i dont want kids at all... i like em fair enough, but i dont want to poop one outta my hole. that's disgusting. he has one already! BONUS! i like her as well... and i like the relationship he has with her. he's amazing.

he suits me.

oh i forgot why i was writing about him.   I do this often in most blogs.

oh right my family wants me to move to dallas cos they want him to fall back inlove with me. Is that odd? i donno. it sounds weird. My mom and my sister would give their left nut for us to be together - that's how much they want me to be happy. and they know without him i'm never really happy.

The Sounds are great. HA! see? i didn't mention ghostland this blog.   I'm typing waaaay too much in this blog.

NEXT!
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two posts in one day makes me a homo

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 16:48:34 GMT

.

i donno why,but i do know i am attracted to russians. One day, all of a sudden, i decided i would learn the language, and since then - i fucking love it. I drink rum, but i idolize vodka. I speak english and spanish, but russian makes me wet my panties. i love the harshness they bring about themselves. You could say i want to fuck that. yes i do. Please, psychiatrist, tell me why.

also, i found out when i get drunk i mention ghostland in most blogs. . huh. that's weird. he looks like pocahontas. Not russian at all.

shake shake shake senora

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 14:12:18 GMT

.

fuck. my boyfriend got really drunk last night and ate all the cheese in the house. He also ate all my fucking turkey. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE A PANNINI?? jesus that word looks weird in caps.....

this is why i like myspace better.. you can see how many people view your blog. i am addicted to that. Here - i donno. i could have no viewers. i hate not knowing.

it's 9 in the am and i'm listening to Gimme More while wondering why i dont have a hangover.   and typing, apparently.   We went to his brother's house for the 4th, but had to leave cos he wanted to go see a movie with me... he later on blabbed to everyone that it was MY idea and then bitched about how he couldn't believe he was seeing a movie on the fucking fourth of july.    I DIDN'T EVEN BRING THE MOVIE IDEA UP. he then tells me that he knew it would make me happy to see a movie (aww) BUT THEN HE BITCHED ABOUT IT THE WHOLE TIME. and tried to fall asleep during the movie.

you can tell i'm angry cos of all the caps.

we saw Wanted.   you do not fall asleep during this movie. sure, it's cheesy and lame, but angelina is fucking hot.   And there are some pretty cool effects in it, but that's it. It's not going to win any awards.

what a douche.

oh yeah, it's 9 am and i've already had some wine and two beers. i'm fucked when i do this..   i start drinking really early, and then get shitfaced by 5.. then i wake up with a death defying hangover and dry heave for 2 days.    i hate it.   but the beer in me likes more beer and i am helpless.

i hate blogs cos they skip over too much time. it's like an inner monologue that goes catatonic for a while, then shocks the fuck back up. ... I like that word. catatonic.   Maybe it's cos i'm a cat person and i like booze. HA! i'lll have to write that in my myspace blog!   wait, now that i look at waht i said, it really wasn't that funny.   tonic isn't booze. . fuck. nevermind.   Okay, maybe i'll make a drink called the Catatonic. i am amazing.

where was i?

oh yeah, i'm still moving. i decided this two nights ago when the manslave said he wasn't going to fight for me to stay. That was a huge blow because NO ONE leaves me. I leave. I break your heart. I've never had anyone not beg me to not leave. If that makes sense.
so that's it. i dont want to stay... it would be more pathetic than it already is.    I wasn't even really going to leave until this happened.

holy fuck. Tear You Apart is hot.. I lost my virginity while Massive Attack's Mezzanine was playing (intentionally) , but this woulda been hotter.   I cant believe i have a soundtrack to the end of my virginity.
coincidentally enough, i'm moving back partly cos that same guy lives in dallas.   He is no doubt the love of my life. I knew if from the second i saw him, and we debated my virginity. For months he said no, that he didn't want me to have that kind of emotional connection to him (he was recently un-engaged) ... but i knew it. I wanted him to be the one - as fucking Lifetime channel as that sounds.    And we even did it sober!
which i regretted.

so i moved away cos he and his fiancee made amends... until she cheated on him AGAIN.   the whole time i knew he was the one i wanted to be with forever, but the sex part of it never got to me. it still doesn't. i dont get why people make a huge fuss over it. From people that i wanted to fuck to people i actually loved, it never has been a connection for me. it's just fun. i love it. it's something i wish i could do do with every fucking guy cos everyone has different styles.   it's fun to see what they do.

i've only had great (GREAT) sex with one person, and i knew we had nothing in common and we weren't going to become anything.. he knew it too, but then all of a sudden he wanted this personal attachment and i hated that.   Just cos your penis is in my hole doesn't make it conjure love.   I hate it when people fall for that shit.

why am i rambling? i donno. Ghostland Observatory is fucking amazing. dont see them live,though! it's too much.. there are too many people and too many effects. they used to be fucking amazing live, when on they are on the floor right in front of you.   How can you get the same effect in an arena? you cant.   dont see them live.

i've decided to write a book

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i am dissappointed...

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 08:27:47 GMT

or however you spell that. i am also disappointed by how i'm listening to carolina liar. FUCKING TOOL. gay.
my icon is beautiful. i drew that and i love it. it makes me wish i could touch her.

so,...i am leaving. all of you. i am moving to dallas to pursue a life not as fucked up as this.

my boyfriend is ridiculous. He only treats me right when he knows i'm about to leave. Well, i'm leaving now. too bad. ..

fuck i think i'm drunk.

oh snap

Sun, 18 May 2008 13:19:51 GMT

after a crazy night i am up at 8 in the am. why? i donno, but i'm starting at my leftover cup of rum and coke and i think i'll pour new rum and coke in it so i dont waste. i am going green, god forbid.

my eyes are loopy, but i dont have a hangover. maybe this means i'm still drunk! waste not!

crap, why did i come here to write? maybe cos i had boca pizza last night and it's the best pizza ever. it tastes like un leavened bread and that makes me feel holy.
or maybe cos i promote anything with artichoke hearts on it.

so this is my drunk journal and i am not doing a very good job.
i guess i dont post as much cos i have a babillion other blogs to deal with. demand!

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my love for you is like a truck

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 23:27:34 GMT

.

i have the internet! weeeewoooo.

after one breakup
one bank hacking
700 bucks being stolen
one week of mucus and coughing and grosseness
and one miserable failing of making soup

i am in a good mood.

i got all excited when the little internet penis turned green and wanted to post in all my blogs but now i dont really want to type

.

yusssss

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 23:37:11 GMT

and it's ova.   over.   we are through, and that's fine.   it's another reason to buy some chchchchampagne.

ghostland was awesome.   too bad they're the cool kids now.   sound was shitty and i guess it's cos i'm used to standing right infront of them with maybe 5 other people in the crowd.   eff ACL .

fuck the internet and my lack thereof.    fuck the davinci code.   i'm still going to finish it. booze makes any movie grrrreat.

i need to be in a coma.

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I feel that caps get my point across so much better

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 18:43:01 GMT

STUPID FUCKING BITCH ASS MORON PARDON MY FRENCH.

. the only thing i really regret was having my face stuffed with quesadilla when i walked over to his phone and read her reply of "you want to lick me? bad boy"... i really didn't want to read anymore.

fucking sleuth i am i kind of already figured something happened. i saw my wine next to his computer and his capslock was on.   ha. nancy drew knew he never used capslock, so he was either virtually yelling at someone, or virtual fucking

Oh my gawd this is a sad, sad way to be cheated on.
right now my self esteem is in ruins. I have major issues with my weight, and to know that he had boobs and a vagina RIGHT IN HIS OWN FUCKING HOME and yet he chose to cyber cheat on me really takes the cake and vomits it right back up..

i kind of need this though. Our relationship wasn't exactly tip top, and i really needed something to push me over the edge. is this sad that i would rather have had him cheat on me for real? yes. yes it is.

so what to do what to do. My birthday is on valentine's and what a fucking time to hate my signifigant other - or prolly ex signifigant other. And on top of it all, we started our expensive dance lessons yesterday. i still have 3 more to go to.   fuck this all to hell

.

danger danger danger

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 18:55:18 GMT

.

i still think my drunken memoirs was a great idea

LET US CONTINUE!   Right now i am drinking cos i had a stressful night last night. I didn't drink last night (or the whole week before), so i feel as though i should make up for it now. Hopefully i dont go posting in any communities, as i have been known to do with the security of alcohol under my belt.

sweet sweet champagne. it took me forever to get the damn cork off. i've had 2 blow up in my face after unwinding the wire. Effing HEB.

I was Seasonally let go today. FUCK YOU container store! no no.. i dind't really mean that ocntainer store! i'm sorry! shhh shhhh, dont cry.   i love you so much.

um anyway. stupid fucking store. it was a love hate relationship.

champagne bath in a giant glass sounds so exotic and seductive, but i'll bet it would be really cold.

Alright. Manslave, or as i like to call him Man Douche now, was being a real dick last night. He gets down on me so much for my drinking, so i've been sticking to drinking only on weekends, if that. Last firday was the first time i hadn't been drunk, much less DRANK anything on a frigging friday. did i get any props? no.
so he was going to last a whole month without drinking... yeah, he lasted two weeks. And what's sucks even more is that it was a gaddamn THURSDAY he picked to start drinking. I came to his house at around this 3rd beer. i told him once he reached his 6th, i would leave.. stupid meanignless threats are all i have

Now, i consider myself a bigger alcaholic than he, but when he drinks, he gets STUPID drunk. and whats worse is that he always drives to get more when he's absolutely trashed.

not to mention the fact that he sits infront of his stereo and switches out punk cds every other song. He blasts the music while i'm trying to sleep and when he gets really drunk, he comes in the room and plays coldplay and tries to "cuddle" with me, or pretty much pancake-ing me while telling me how beautiful i am.   It makes me lose all respect for him and yet, seems so sadly sweet.

i cant imagine my life without him, and yet i'm getting so damn tired of this shit.
i wish i had s'more champagne. One bottle is never enough nowadays

i hate having to figure out the rest of my life RIGHT NOW.   I honestly dont think we'll be together for much longer, but i absolutely cannot leave him. He's got everything i want in my life; a house, a dog i absolutely love, and a nice family.   His personality in no way meets my standards.. the only thing he's got going for him is that he loves me unconditionally. I've never met someone like that.    Oh right, and he pays for all my shit. I am dirt poor, and i cant imagine living without my free movies and dinners, as shallow as that sounds.

but i think the gist of our relationship is that we both need constant affection. as much as i hate him most times, we are always together. his hand is always on my back, or holding my hand at all times.   I feel kind of lost if it's not.

i think what we have going on here is a case of highschool love - minus the bliss part.

OH MY GAWD SO MUCH DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH. shut up when did i get like this?

so, my mom is stil going through with the antidepressants. I'm going to give it the good ol' college try this time. Last time wellbutrin worked like a bitch until i started drinking excessively. I loved how i couldn't feel any emotion. it was wonderful.

eh. fuckit.

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salad, you are my bitch.

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 17:50:57 GMT

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i love salad THIS much. i crave it, and i hate that my favorite salad is 500 effing calories.

v8.... FUCK YEAH.   My new plan consists of one V8 in the morning. It's the longest 5hrs that 70 calories has ever gotten me before.

No drinking till my birthday and that sucks.   it's good for me, though. My ovaries hate it when i drink and then they start getting all "cystee" on me. Or maybe it was the anti-baby pills. After i quit taking those my pelvis quit aching.    And now i have more reasons to not have sex with the man slave. I used to think that getting sex was better than no sex at all. Ohhhh me oh my how i was wrong. There is no accounting for boring sex.
and yes, i am half of the equation, but as my new motto goes " i'm as freaky as you want to be".   There's no point in having a onesided freaky sex show. Does not float my boat.

my birthdays coming up and illl be expecting something good. He's always outdone himself when it comes to planning for me, and i'm just waiting for the time when he says "hey, here's card. happy birthentine's day".   fuck valentines birthday. fuck i need a drink.   I could go for a nice bottle of mimosa.

i'm only typing cos i dont want to take a shower. Cos after i take a shower i have to dry my hair and i hate that. Then that means after my hair dries i will drive over to his house and sit infront of the tv for 5 hrs till he gets home.   Hey, how about i do some art? Nothing doing.

me maw wants me to go back on antidepressants. She hopes it'll kick me out of this shitty ass funk. I hate to tell her i never really did artistic crap before the whole depression thing.
He wants me to go on paxil so we can be paxil buddies.   I just want to take whatever makes me lose 40lbs, get an actual career, and makes me look like adrienne curry.

tomatoes are a douche bag cos they hurt my canker sore, but i have to be eating something at all times ewww was that a moldy tomato i just ate?

fuck ihave to do my taxes!

.

You know...

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 16:53:45 GMT

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my body is getting back to being normal... which equals bruises and pudge.
my scrapes and scabs are slightly healed, the giant coffee stain looking bruise on my thigh is a little less noticeable, and BETTER YET, my poison ivy is a tad less itchy.

and i had my second ever night-panick attack... where everytime i get to the tip of falling asleep, my body conlvulses in what seems like a sheer adrenaline lightning bolt shock. It feels like a slpit second of complete terror... but this time i knew what was going to happen, and just let it keep happening till i fell asleep 5 hrs later.
i'm not tired today, either.

all i've had is a half of a salad and a lean pocket.
at work i now buy a 360 calorie sandwhich and eat the first half for breakfast and the second for lunch. My motto is "NO, I AM GOING TO THE BEACH" whenever someone offers me all the pastries we're about to throw away.

well, i'm probably going to the beach, but it's in 2 months, and who knows if the boy and i will be together by then.. but just the thought of all his friends seeing my 3/4ths naked body is a good trick to keep me away from crap for crap food. People at work have started noticing the weight loss. BUT, this is how it always goes... i lose 5 lbs and once someone mentions it, i feel at liberty to begin stuffing my lower-face orifice.

i tried to be a good little girl and actually wash the dishes for the first time since i moved in here... aaaaand now the floor is flooded in suds. Humm.. who would have thought that you couldn't use DISHWASHING liquid inthe DISHWASHER??? whuteava. I donno what to do about it cos if i turn the machine on again, the bubbles start flowing again. woops.

i am a terrible friend. How can this be when i only have ONE friend??
ever since the man slave and i got back together, i dont spend any time with this other dude... and i think he's getting annoyed by it.

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by rights, you should be bludgeoned in your bed

Thu, 31 May 2007 18:10:41 GMT

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uh oh. I"m in trouble.

the boy came over last night... i had been drinking earlier, and i wanted to keep it on the down low, since he knows i've been drinking more, lately..

we watched part of a movie and i thought i had passed the tests until we began to fuck.. i accidentally stumbled onto the couch (i TRIPPED!) And he makes a comment about how i probably drank too much.

okay, i didn't, or so i thought.. i had also taken a half of this super crazy antihistamine the doctor perscribed to me... which was supposed to knock me out for the night. I contribute my clumsiness to part of that... but he didn't know this
he claimed i only drank cos i was bored
i became really upset cos that's not hte only reason

it keeps me from vomiting my meals
it keeps me from eating
it makes me feel okay with myself
i dont care about the fact i'm a faliure, a fact which severely depresses me when sober
it makes me talkative and outgoing - whereas i cant really look strangers in the face -
OH and it takes away the insane itching, gadaaaamn if that weren't reason enough already..

reasons to quit

... he wants me to
i often forget parts of the night
i get ultra slutty and if he and i have a fight i usually flirt with someone else, and, in once instanance, slept with someone else. But he and i were broken up at the time
.. it makes me weepy and hostile if i'm not happy
even with the cheap stuff, i shouldn't be spending money on this
people dismiss an alcoholics opinion, even if it's a reasonable one.. when he and i get in fights, and i 'm drunk, i can debate and win the argument like a motherfucker, but he wont take it into consideration cos i'm drunk
dissappointing my parents - even though my mom drinks quite often now, and my dad used to be an alcoholic .. or so he tells me. I've only seen him drink a tiny bit of tequila ONCE in my whole life. Maybe something bad happened to him, i should ask.

so, its seems there are more reasons to quit, but i think they are flimsey reasons.

i still think ihave an std, but i was too embarassed to ask the doctor to look at it yesterday. I'm such a fuckface. I didn't think to request a female doctor..

maybe those blisters were conjured by my intense paranoia..
the mind is a crazy thing, and i've heard of such cases where girls who focus on if they are pregnant (and aren't) can produce pregnacy symptoms, such as vomiting and distended belly and delayed periods.
nutz-o

our apt is dirty and hot and sticky.. i'm running out of paper towles, which means to continue cleaning i will have to make an HEB adventure. I donwanna.

my roomates in CANCUN blah blah blah and her rotten bananas leaked all over our countertops.. it's a viscous brown liquid

the boy was actually giving me TIPS on what to do instead of drinking.. . "why dont you do art, clean your house,... " you think i dont fucking KNOW THIS? i'm not a fucking retard.
art is something so... intimidating to me. Whats more fucked up is that it's the only thing i can do amazingly well. Anything.. but i just dont do it. I dont know why. I cant force myself to do it... i'm afraid of doing all these amazing pieces, and not being recognized for them.

like at work.
i get stabbed in the gut when someone freaks out about that chicks art. I dont even think it's THAT good.. i understand people have different tastes, but it's something i would never buy.

sometimes i wish for bad things to happen, such as cancer or dismemberment, so the pressure is taken off of me.
this is bad.

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This is all too much

Mon, 28 May 2007 18:41:18 GMT

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so i probably didn't finish that last entry.. as i recall..

this week has been the weirdest week of my life
starting with falling down that mountain
got all scraped up and scabby.. and it hurts like a bitch, still
not to mention the wierd looking blisters on my vagina
not to mention the horrendous breakup
and the stress of the family reunion and how i freak out when our house is flooded with old people
and also for the past three days i've been completely drunk by 11am..
and to top it all off, i think all this stress has cuased me to break out in hives

me maw says it's poison ivy, but it didn't spread like poison ivy does on me.. last time i got really sick and my left eye closed up for 2 days.. these are just patches of itchy skin, along with little dots of itchy skin, randomly placed all over my body.

i itch like a bitch.
fortunately i took two antihistamines (it said one max per day.. woops) and now i've downed 4 shots of rum. I have work in an hr.

i am feeling very relaxed.
and the boy and i are back together and happier than ever.

i think this is just how we are. We fight, we break up, we get back together and everything's amazing for the next two days, week, month, whatever.

as far as we have gone, we never had a 'honeymoon period".. and this feels like it's it. We have sex in weird places and are pretty much attached at the face/ hip.. it's nice.
and he's finally buying a house and i'm starting to get so excited about it. I cant wait to check out books about landscaping and find coupons on flooring and patio installations..

man, this is going to bite me in the ass, isn't it?

family reunion was ... odd. I felt so claustrophobic and panicky the whole time, yet i really love watching my realatives. Especially my niece, Ivy. Everyone that sees her is blown away by how beautiful she is, even at 5, when kids start to get ugly. People on the streets will stop my brother and tell her he NEEDS to put her in commercials or modeling. No kid, at this age, has black, curly hair and huge pale green eyes with thick black eyelashes. Not to mention that she's got a completely adorable personality... just one, "gradpaw paul, can you get me milk and cookies?" and eveyrone's bending backwards to get it to her first. NUTS.

so anyhoo, i feel bad abou tmy realatives, cos some of them read my myspace blogs and comment and they actually find out they like me as a person, not just some stuck up snobby, or a-social realative who hides during family reunions.
so they expect me to be just how i am in my blogs... BUT I'M NOT.

i feel like i dissapoint everyone.

and one night i got too drunk and ate shitloads of my mom's awesome spinach lasagne and tried to throw it up. I was in the bathroom for like, a half an hr..

and today i tried to throw up noodles smothered in cheese, but instead the eggwhites and salsa came up. boooo!

we made reservations for the beach in two months.. oh. ma. gawd. all his friends will be there and they will see my rolls of doughy flesh. OH. CRAP.

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this is so. messed. up

Fri, 25 May 2007 16:38:36 GMT

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This has been the suckiest week of my life.

lets start with yesterday, when i was soooo happy to drive home and see my family. It's our family reunion this week, but i hadn't expected to see anyone till today. SO.. yesterday, i walk in, and am shocked that there are like, 7 people already here. .

I have EXTREME anxiety attacks around people i'm absolutely not comfortable with. I love my extended family, but they are strangers with familiar faces.
so,i go in to automatic turtle mode and i think i insulted my aunt by not hugging her. Oh.. well..

my brother, his girlfriend, and his daughter come in, and we are all excited. My mom slathers them with attention (understood, we haven't seen him in about half a year).. she asks everyone but me if they want anything to eat.

then my mom sends my brother on an heb run, and asks everyone but ME what they want from HEB.

then i find out that my 8 realatives had been there since 4, and my mom knew i had been sitting around my apt all day, doing nothing. They went out to eat, and she didn't even think to call me.

then , my boyfriend (yes, we are back together pretty much ) went to a strip club for a bachelor party...   He didn't want to go, so he kept calling me at 1 am , then 1:15.. then 1:20, each time he talked about how much he loved me and he wished he weren't in the wedding party cos then he wouldn't have to go to the stupid strip joint. '

well he gets drunk and i have no idea how or when he got home. I was stressing out and calling him all morning but he wouldn't answer

i gotta pick up my mom so's i gotsta go.

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I drag behind

Mon, 21 May 2007 18:06:22 GMT

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This is the low point in my life. Again.

i vowed to quit drinking yesterday. I say that after i take a sip of rum/coke that sits on my desk.
i honestly did believe i would..

and then it started to rain shit.

lets put this all in perspective. The man slave got the cajones to finally dump me. For the most fucked up reason ever.
anyhoo.. i go through these weird manic moods.. I'll be laughing my ass off, not a care in the world, and then i'll burst out in tears. Dammit. I feel like i'm going through puberty again.

so, i'm getting over this. I'm to the point where it's just a mild depression when i'm not around anyone.

then i go to work, and it seems as though everyone is treating me like i'm a complete fucktard.
then i find out my manager went to the head manager to discuss if he could hang up my co-workers art around the store.. he had originally promised that to ME.

then this one girl and i both got an award, and my supervisor felt the need to publicly praise the one girl .. and not me.

and to top it all off with a lovely fucking cherry,
my fag hag fag invited this boy i've been eyeing to come have a drink with us after he got off work. He's very shy but he said yes. Annnnd then he didn't come. Good times.

i feel like i've used up my time here. It's like i had a set time to make something of myself and now i need to leave.
i was thinking as i entered onto the highway that i could just keep driving (but not really cos i was on E) and keep going till i ended up somewhere. Then i could try to make it with just the crap i had in my car.

it seemed so romantic and ideal.
i would have loved to do it if only it wouldn't be screwing my roomate over.

but i could. No one cares about me. No one would really miss me; it would be so easy.
i've sort of done it before. After highschool i got sick of living at my parents, packed up my stuff, and drove to new mexico. That didn't work out so i drove to colorado to visit my aunt and she hooked me up with a place. so.. it really wasn' t all i pretend like it was.

and it kills me that i dont know how he's getting along without me.