besides all that, i'm tired of trying to find chick friends.   It's like, I want dudes with vaginas.    Not dykes, mind you,  but i think i mean chicks with dudes humor.  Most chicks cant handle a guys sense of humor and i'm tired of this light,  airy, "be like one of the guys"  humor..


for instance,  if you  are a chick you cant make fun of obama.  OF COURSE YOU CAN.   he's the whitest nigger i've ever seen.   And never you mind that none of those bitches ever voted for him because of his platforms.  No.  it's cos he's "black"..    and this is why i cant have girlfriends.  They care too fucking much.     I dont give a shit that he's black.  I'm not going to cheer with tyra or oprah cos we now have a black president.  That's fucking dumb.  That is ignorant.


YOU ALL ARE  PC PAWNS.


AAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAH

dumbasses.
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/

Current Music: what is love? baby dont hurt me...

I'm tired of writing in all my other blogs.  So here I am. Twice.   I can smell my pre-ex-boyfriends cum all over this chair and I hate it.   It means he's been jerking it when we haven't had sex in a month.   I fucking hate him.

So I figgered Ide write out my stupid story  now cos I can and I'm not drunk quite yet.     And also, my pre-ex-bf is listening to blue october in the living room which means he's drunk and it's "our" band and yes, i know you think that's lame, but i dotn care.  I've loved that band since I was the only chick swaying back and forth in their garage. 

btw,  sandcastle burgers are way awesome.  they are tiny and cute and crunchy when you microwave them.



anyhoow.   the first  boy I ever kissed was my first year of college with a boy who waved at me when I stood in the doorway of a classroom.   There was no computer open on the whole floor so I sat by him.  We ended up making awkward conversation and I ended up with him at barnes an nobles thinking how thin his lips were and how i could not imagine making out with him.    He was my first kiss.  He was the first guy who went down on me, and coincidentally, was the first guy who introduced me to alcohol..   but we never had sex.  I just had this weird, creepy feeling..  

I dated many a dude after that, but never had sex with any of them.  I never knew why I wouldn't. . .  It never made sense to me. I wanted to, but i would just run away as soon as things got to far.

then I saw John.   And i know so many people say this, but yeah.. the first second i saw him I sat there in shock.   As you  might know by now, I have horridly low self esteem, and yet I just walked up to him and joked about  his artwork. I did this because I was driven to.  I did this every day till he brought me aside and told me his fiance had cheated on him..  
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 We became inseperable after that.  He said that he partly fell in love with her cos they  were both 34, but both looked like they were 20.  I was 23 at the time.  The first time he called me I freaked out and ran around the house like a maniac.   He called me more than 3 times a day after that.   He would call me just to tell me about what he missed to tell me the first time he called.  I constantly  urged him to be my "first" but he didn't want to be.  One night, we were both sober and all the passion led to me losing my vcard.  I still dont regret it.

I knew he was using me and he made very clear that he that I shouldn't fall for him.... and I told him the same.  He told me to "shooosh" but he did.  He really did fall for me but he never admitted it until 2 years later when his best friend and i ended up making out.   I felt that I had completely understood John's intentions so I honestly wanted him to see that I had moved on.  i had no idea that it would hurt him; he told me i could date whoever i wanted..  afterall, he was 35 with a broken heart and had teenage daughter..  he said he wanted me to move on.. i had no idea  that he would care so much that i ended up with his best friend.


oh.. well, long story short,  i moved away, we spoke quite a bit, then he just quit.  Sometimes I drunken text him but he wont reply.   It's hard to know that the love of my life wont even say one word to me. 

it's hard to know that he said he didn't want me to move away.    It's really hard to know that I've been with this one guy for 3 years and I' coulda been happy with john this whole time.


if only things had worked out my life might not have sucked this much..



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Current Mood: they call me white girl!

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I haven't posted here in a while and i just read my last entry .  what the fuck?   that was an odd one.

anyhoo.  my pre-post-ex boyfriend is outside the door of this computer room yelling stupid things at me; he's trying to annoy me.    I am smart/stupid enough to know that if i open the door and yell at him to shut the fuck up he'll say "jeesus! you are so annoyed easily!"...     I hate him so much and i dont know how it got this way. .   I am a smart girl.  How did I end up with a fucking retard for this long? 

I'm moving out this much and it's crazy to know i've spent this much time with a person.... Almost 3  years...   what do i do now?    Dating is such an oddity to me now.   Initiating a kiss seems like such an awkward approach now.    i dont think i want a relationship for a while but I desperately want a distraction.     We've been in our routine for so long it feels as though I'm about to lose my right arm...  My right arm that is gangrenous and which i hate..   WHAT TO DO?

listen to me blubbering...  lame.


So i joined a gym.  Why? cos it was $10 a month.   It is my savior.  i work out 1.5 hrs a day (save weekends),  I eat a shitload more, and i've lost about 6 lbs in the past month.   I friggen love working out,  but only if i have my Irock with me. Yessir.  Not an IPOD, but an IROCK.    it's a beautiful, cheap little toy and i work out to the same songs every day.   I have the best playlist ever, which has been the same for the past 4 years and i'm not tired of it now..  mmmmmm...   i wouldu totally work out again right now if i didn't have 2 margaritas and 5 shots of rum in me.

mmm.. nummy.

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Current Mood: done!

i think one of the funniest things i've heard is my bf's brother telling us a story about new years eve and how he and his friends had ONE bottle of champagne each.     I just sighed all my breath out  and sank into my chair while silently watching him gesture how drunk he was. .   I dont know what I felt about that, but i knew i could down 3 bottles and walk a straight line.  It's not a proud or guilty feeling.  It's just what it  was. Or maybe it was taking a step back.

  I donno, maybe it was feeling like i'm in costume and no one has no idea who i am. Besides the bf, only one person knows exactly how i am, and i just confronted him for doing coke too much.  He is my best friend ever, and i'm pretty  sure our relationship is fucked.

well anywhoo..  I will tell anyone all  my problems if i'm comfortable. But  when it comes to people i'm unfamiliar with or dont sense a familiarty whit.. ie. His parents and friends and brother and his brother's friends, I keep a wary distance.   You dont exactly want to make a bad impression on your bf's parents and friends.. too bad. too late for me..    they know i'm an alcoholic but it's something we dont talk about, much unlike my parents who talk about it freely.


the  oddest compliment i received came from his brother's girlfriend when she was completely smashed. She told me "hey.. HEY.  I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are the coolest chick when you are drunk. I wish you would get drunk all the time"     coming from a 7th grade teacher.  She's a year older than me.  
Ohhh if only she knew we could be bff forever.  I could be bff with anyone else when i drink.    Men are from mars says that boys play video games to feel like they have control over what they dont have control over in the real world.  I assimilate this to my drinking.   If I could make over $15,000 a year i would be okay. i would feel rich. If i could lose 30 lbs i would be okay and be happy.  If I had a kitten i would be happy. I cannot afford a kitten so these are all things i cannot control.  I've tried to change them but it never works.


i've been eating the insides of egg rolls.  shrimp and pork. mmmm..  Fuck all the fried shit. I'm drinking 40's and who needs the extra calories?


we are supposed to see a movie tonight.  I freaked the fuck out last night because I got an interview in dallas and he said i should see what happens if i get the job.   I treated him like shit cos i wanted him to say that i shouldn't go to this interview.   I woke up in the morning to a movie poster on the bathroom mirror with tickets posted to it.

and i am currently getting drunk.  It's a sweet gesture, but what are the chances i will pass out before 6?  great, my friend.  I find his mannerisms confusing.   He treats me me so well - he kisses my face at 3 am, but he does so many things on purpose to annoy me... . I love him to death when we spoon but i treat him like shit when he consciously annoys me and i get so mad i ignore him.. only then will he do something over the top to satiate me.    



i hate reading other's blogs. . they are so fucking cheesy.  It's like listening to myself on my voice mail. It makes me cringe.



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i wish the knife were sharper so i could cut myself.   I'm not a cutting type gal  but i want to try.  i guess you could say i love it when i fail.


i read this chick's blog and you can read her easily... like me .  she's just like me but younger.  I dont read many blogs, but i read all of hers. i cant decide if i should befriend her or not.  I dont like people like me.  it's creepy how similar we are.


i delete a whole lot in these blogs and i wish i wouldn't.  It just feels right when i type.   when i type something (more) stupid it gives me a queasy feeling.  this is all intentional.


FUCK. there's an ad from netflix next to this page with muppets on it!!! i just had a  "space out"  moment while listening to NIN's Capital G and i had a very distinct video played out for this song with muppets.   Trying to make kermit a badass is hard enough to imagine, but i've figured it out.   It's like Handlebars..  i've got the most perfect video in my head of what it's supposed to be.   The anime version is good, but the 3D fucking sucks.  I like their idea. i like my idea better.



oh, that chick keeps e'mailing me about jobs and i'm too drunk to respond.  She likes me and i dont want her to know i'm a fucking alcoholic.

fuck fuck.


i should delete all of this.



someone could come up behind me and shoot me in the head. i would never know; my music is so loud.   My playlist is too good to walk away.




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Current Music: what did you do?

THAT'S HOW MUCH I PAID FOR YOU KILL ME.  fuck yeah!  it cost $2 for the movie.  Is this sad that it took me 4 tries to find the $ button? yes. Also,  $2 seems  pretty low for a fucking awesome movie.  

i drank to make the hangover go away and it's working.  but i have this weird tension in me.  i feel like i'm going to fuck someone over.  time to make some phone calls!!


I was sitting there a second ago.. trying to pinpoint the hottest moment in my life.  Then i started to think about sexual connections.  You can see someone, look them in the eyes, and never see them again for all you care. But then you can look at a different person and you know at that second that you're going to fuck them. 

i dont get it. it's just in the eyes. How is it different than the former dude?  this is why i believe in pheromones.

The hottest moment in my life, i have to say, was at a screening of a movie. While waiting outside with my buddies  my eye was caught by  with this one motherfucker in one brief moment.  He sat in the seat next to me (didn't put the arm down... hott.   ahha. )  and we started making jokes.  We went outside and made out like a bitch.  he was hott and it was ridiculously intense.  It was the only time i lost my breath. i would have done anything with him so i had to stop.

Aint saying what happened, but we didn't  fuck and he turned out to be one of those 'puff up your feathers when other cocks are in the room' type guys.
i love it.
i love that i learned that lesson quick.  I learned then that you fuck em and leave em.. unless they make you laugh and they introduce you to their mother on the second date.

manslave did that. Or, he tried.  I find it ultimately hilarious that he said we were dating after we fucked the first time.  This says alot about our relationship.  He read too much into it and i was just an innocent bystander.   You could say i got duped into this relationship.


and for some reason i cant leave.
blah I hate that they are gone... i keep dropping shit and i expect for our dog to come try to eat it.  i walk out of the room and almost call his name so he can entertain me. He sticks his tongue out and when you are particularly upset he sticks it out more to make you laugh.



hokay. my refried beans and cheese and steak are cold so i must reheat them.  mmmm sticky cheese.

also i need to start on my book.





yeah fuck.

Current Mood: whiskey makes you feeeel betta

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shit shit..  I just read that last blog i dont remember posting.  I'm about to not remember this one either.   So... apparently all i want to do is be with that dude who's in dallas. But i also want to stay here.  manslave is gone for the weekend and i miss him to pieces.  I came home from a homo orgy and knew no one would be home, but i still expected our dog to greet me as i opened the door.

i miss laying out on the hammocks with him.

speaking of the drunken orgy, i definitely should not have drove there... i was prolly driving 40 on the highway the whole time.  What a moron.  But i got there and it was 4 homos and me. i had a great time, despite the fact i had to fight for attention.  the bry and me went to the store cos i wanted some crab rangoons..  but he ended up buying shrimp and noodles and eggrolls... I wanted chinese food and  people always go outta their way to get me what i want when we're drunk.   or sober.  I donno why, but hell i'll use it.

we made a good stirfry but i dont remember eating it.  I'll just assume it was good. i woke up with chicken stuck in my teeth.

Oh, and i woke up thinking I was at my house, and then someone knocked on the door. I woke up saying FuckOff..  cos hell no i'm not opening the door in the neighborhood my house is in...  THEN THE GUY OPENED THE DOOR.  i freaked the fuck out and tried to 007 it down to the floor and under the table... which was a glass table so i'm not the fucking 007 i want to be.. i tried to find a knife or something sharp, but all's i cound find was a piece of chicken and People magazine.  
the guy went upstairs and took a shower, which was when i realized i wasn't in my house.  I dont have an upstairs.



so..

delete

delete.



delteeet.

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Current Music: talking to myself. t here's no one else.

it's a fucking great movie.


He went to the beach and i'm alone for the next 3 days.  Crap.


There are some people at the place that i work who think i deserve better. I find this odd.  There's this one harsh chick who is going out of her way to find me a job so i can stay here.  I have all these new job offers.  I dont want them; i dont think i deserve them.  I want to move to dallas cos i know i deserve  Him. He is much more perfect than the job of my dreams.  I am at a loss for words.   

I dont give a shit about my talents.  I know i am the best, but i dont care. .  all i want is Him. 
this is me being drunk and telling the truth.  This is me drinking more rum and coke ( my maw told me i should lay off the shit... fuck).   This shit is like truth serum.


all i want is to be his housewife. I want for him to come home every day and find a fucking awesome meal prepared just for him. 
i want to spend my life laughing my ass off with him.



i cant read w/o closing my right eye.     this makes it hard to edit my blog.



goddamn electric bill is what i will use for my movies.  Oh, and  MSI.  


You Kill Me is ridiculously good.  i will buy this.

/






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Current Mood: carne guisada sucks

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So.. The boy spent the night in jail.  Once he got stupid drunk, like he sometimes does, he decided to go to a bar with our DOG.  he gets picked up for a PI (lucky mother fucker, i'd give anything for it to have been a DWI so's he'd learn his lesson)  and then gets handcuffed to a chair cos he tried to climb out a vent in the ceiling.  Then  they had to tie him down..   Huh.  this kinda turns me on


MEANWHILE, i hadn't slept for 2 days and couldn't eat cos i'd vomit from all the adrenaline. He never came home and  I was so scared he had killed someone or was laying dead in a ditch with our dog.... until a co-worker called and found out what jail he was in.   then i got pissed that he was still alive.

then i tried to find our dog at every animal shelter. the dog was later found in His car outside the bar he was picked up at.  well, hey. that's cool.



I'm tired of thinking about moving.
I need to buy more wine but he and his dad are coming over to work on the house.  His dad talks too much and when i'm tipsy and talk back i say too much as well.




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Current Mood: carbonated.

i have this bruise on my arm that looks like a K.  They warned me about this.  whatever.


i'm fucking drunk and this makes me paranoid.  I'm getting  a credit report tomorrow cos of recent events.   I hate being fucked over by people i think are nice.  it's not koshert.


um

my cell phone has a glare on it and i can see all the oil from my left cheek on it. . 


i am so pissed right now.
but i'm listening to the sounds and i love it.


i'm glad He and i are finally breaking it off.




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Current Music: reggie.